Today I noticed something laying on the counter in my family’s kitchen. It was a sticker book I had bought my nephew for last year’s holiday season. Untouched, this sticker book brought me a pang of sadness. This wasn’t the first time I had purchased a gift for my nephew that didn’t get any attention. But in that moment, I had a realization that I’ve had before, the last time this gift giving fail happened. The gifts I buy for my nephew often have less significance to who he is as a person (aside from him just generally being a child), and more connection with my personal interests and things that would have… or apparently do still make me tick.
As someone who ended up with a career that involves imaginative, hands-on play, in a room filled with dozens of creative outlets for children, it’s not shocking that I would enjoy things such as kinetic sand or sticker books. My hot take is that to be a truly good play therapist, you have to be immersed in or at least have access to your own child-like side. Back to the original point though, my gift giving fails that admittedly often make their way back into my own possession – why not just buy these things for me? Am I trying to disguise my excitement for creative play as care for my nephew? Do I want him to experience this world similarly to how I experienced it as a child, and live vicariously through it? Why does it feel disappointing when my interests are not shared by him?
There are a few points that come to my mind that might play a role in answering these questions. One, adults need play too. In fact, life is sort of bleak without it. There are different types of play to choose from as an adult, and I’ve included them here (thank you Google). Physical play, includes active things such as dancing, yoga, and hiking. Then, there is creative and artistic play, such as arts and crafts, music, writing, and baking. There is social or game-based play, which includes game nights, escape rooms, and social gatherings. Intellectual and exploration play features things like crossword puzzles, taking a class, and travelling. Finally, there was something called childlike playfulness, that includes activities such as using your imagination, embracing your individuality, and leaning into simple joys. If one of these stood out to you, it could be an indicator that you should follow that spark, and get playing!
As far as insight towards wanting to live vicariously through a child’s wonder, I think many adults are chasing some of the positive perceptions we had as kids. Notoriously, people get judged for being Disney adults, but I truly empathize with the fact that they’re keeping their own wonder alive. It could be that the judgement someone holds towards Disney adults is telling of their own needs and areas of their own lives that are not receiving proper attention. In other words, “the haters” might be a little jealous that any adult is still enjoying Disney, when that should have been discarded around age 12 according to societal norms. Quick PSA: It is now safe to let your child-like wonder peek out from behind the grown-up veil.
Last point to touch on, is the disappointment when someone doesn’t delight in the same things we do. We all know the feeling. You show someone your favorite movie, practically at the edge of your seat with each scene, hoping they will laugh too – only for them to go on their phone, or say “nah, it’s okay” when you offer to pause it for their bathroom break. It is interesting how our relationships thrive through these moments of shared connection, and how much it can be a let-down when they don’t go as planned. It reminds me of the research about “bids for connection”, something my sister brought to my attention in 2020. Attention bids are something her and I joke about to this day, but also recognize as holding a deep truth when it comes to relationship satisfaction. A bid for connection is any gesture that seeks attention, connection, or support from another person. This term originates from a study done by the famous Gottman’s. A key takeaway from the study, is that the healthiest relationships involve making and accepting these bids often.
So… here’s to stuffed animals and stickers. Let your childlike wonder take over from time to time, and if anything specific stands out to you from this post, I would encourage you to look into it further. 🙂
Love,
Bri
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