I recently was speaking with someone who mentioned the idea of being familiar with your own reflection in the mirror and therefore not truly registering the beauty or striking features that someone else sees. I think this theory applies beyond appearances in the mirror, often extending to one’s own self-concept. A semi-popular meme, (okay, it’s not that popular, I am just chronically online), states the following: “Girls just want to be described”. I remember being in my early twenties, when receiving descriptions about who I was as a person had to be one of the tastiest treats. I would screenshot, take note of, and obsess over these sweet and often extremely uniquely perceptive descriptions for days. I think part of this could have been due to my age, as our early twenties are a time when identity is developing. We look for clues as to how we’re seen to piece together our emerging identities. At twenty-eight, I feel more self-assured and confident in piloting through the world without constant feedback. When I do receive a sweet compliment, though still lovely, it does not stick with me in the same way.
When a friend would tell me something about my identity in the past, I was often intrigued because it wasn’t something I would have perceived on my own. I recently watched a video about the effects of isolation and how important it is for our health to be engaging in feedback loops with other humans. Solitary confinement for example, creates horrific conditions for prisoners, who if are not already struggling with mental health issues, will experience severe psychiatric concerns within even a short amount of isolation time. Another example, is how a person is dramatically shaped by their environment and by the people they engage with regularly. There is a wise saying regarding the importance of having a healthy environment that uses plants as a metaphor, pointing out that a plant cannot thrive under the wrong conditions. So much of our self-concept is influenced by social factors, and therefore is never set in stone. In a way, this is deeply good. We can adapt, grow, and change our maladaptive patterns and behaviors. On the other hand, it can pose challenges when it comes to periods of low self-esteem, or rather, forgetting that we are extraordinary.
I know personally, my confidence and self-concept can fluctuate. Lately, I’ve become increasingly more aware that I am in fact, pretty f*cking awesome. Whether it comes in the form of a reminder of a past passion project that I embraced with open arms and an eager mind, the reminiscence of the deep, soulful, fulfilling personal bonds I’ve had with others, or memories of brave past adventures, I’ve rediscovered my essence. It can be rare to genuinely like yourself, and I feel lucky that I’ve experienced so much personal growth and done the work to truly claim myself as beloved.
I think self-love comes in obvious forms, like being able to write about myself lovingly in a blog post, but there are other softer and more subtle signs that have crept in over the years also. For instance, I don’t value my physical appearance in ways I did years ago. I remember fretting before first dates about my weight, or feeling ugly compared to the people around me. Interestingly, these things don’t cross my mind anymore, and certainly don’t compromise who I am as a person. I’ve shifted into a mindset that values my character so much more than my physical appearance, and it has brought tremendous relief. Letting go of an obsession with physical “deficits” and focusing more on how I treat others and carry myself pours into almost every aspect of my life, but most importantly my relationships. I like to be seen and see others beyond the surface level. Although this has probably always been a value of mine, it can now be embodied on a more authentic level because I’ve undone shallow thinking.
Something to remember is that we are never-endingly in processes of growth and evolution. This is not your final form, turning 30 will not be your final form, and heck even when you are wrinkled and wise, I bet you will be changing still. Forgive the past versions of yourself who were doing the best with what they knew. Honor your present self and all of your glorious traits. Show your future self kindness by making small changes today that will improve your life. It’s never too late!
Wishing you the best,
Bri
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